How do you deal with the loss of a child?

The loss of a child is the single greatest heartbreak most parents can imagine. At any age, outliving your child changes everything. Marriages struggle, depression sets in and efforts to quickly move past grief frequently fail. Long-term healing is possible, but it takes time.
Therapist Steven Kalas shared his take on grieving the death of a child in his book “ Human Matters,” explaining that profound grief is like being in a stage play when stagehands suddenly push a grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano dominates the stage, blocking your ability to interact with the other players, and you keep bumping into it, “surprised each time that it’s still there.”
He says you can’t ignore this piano, it changes everything, and you must rewrite the play around it. Over time, you learn to work with it, writing it into every scene. You engage with it, and it’s a part of your life, not to be forgotten.
“You learn to play that piano,” Steven says. “You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope.”
Sounds like a great goal, but how do you begin to compose hope? Here are a few ways to start:
Don’t do it alone
It may be tempting to shut yourself up and close off communication with others who you are certain can’t understand what you are going through. Give yourself some time to grieve but then reach out to your loved ones. Your other children, your spouse, your parents and siblings, and your child’s friends are hurting, too. Sharing your memories and talking about the good times can be challenging and painful, but it can also help.
Seek outside counseling
Talking to a professional counselor or a grief support group with other parents who have lost a child can provide healing and understanding. In Nevada, people who have experienced loss can reach out to Adam’s Place, a nonprofit that helps support children, teens and families navigating grief through education, training and Camp Cope programs. Adam’s Place currently offers virtual support groups for adults every third Thursday of the month. The Compassionate Friends is a national organization with local chapters offering grieving parents advice and support in person or virtually all over the country.
Build a lasting tribute
Some grieving families are inspired to preserve their child’s legacy through scholarships, foundations, raising funds for a favorite family cause or working to help save other children from an untimely death. The McMullan family is a perfect example of channeling personal experience into helping others. They continue to sponsor annual St. Baldrick’s fundraisers at McMullan’s Irish Pub in Las Vegas after losing their daughter Kyra, who fought childhood cancer for more than a year.
“Kyra’s story has inspired a community to step up for kids cancer research. Research saves lives,” Scott McMullan said.
Preserve memories
Keep a journal and a scrapbook to record memories and preserve photos of your child. Invite other family members or friends to contribute their memories, too. You can pull this journal out during times you wish you could share something with your child.
There is no way to make the death of a child feel like an expected, appropriate loss. Coping with that loss is not about minimizing it. Coping means finding ways to support yourself and your family through the immediate aftermath and then creating meaningful ways to honor your child’s memory in the days to come.







