What to say to a grieving person
When someone close to you experiences a loss, it’s important to offer condolences and let them know you can provide support. Yet death can be an intimidating topic, hard to speak about for many people. While grieving, people often feel alone and isolated because their other friends and family don’t know what to say.
There is an accepted etiquette for offering condolences at a funeral, but what about before and after the service? Here are some suggestions for anyone who feels unsure how to broach the topic.
First, remember that any words of comfort are appreciated. No matter how you reach out — in person, on the phone, via social media, text or email — the most important thing is letting them know you care. A heartfelt “I don’t know what to say” or “I cannot find the words” is better than silence. In person, a quiet hug can speak volumes.
If you are in a position to offer tangible help, do so. Bear in mind that an open-ended “Let me know if I can help in any way” puts the burden on them, and thinking about their own needs might be too much to process right now. Instead, offer up a few particular ways you might lighten their load. Ask if you can bring them a meal, provide babysitting, run a specific errand or take care of some chores. Simply saying “I have a casserole to bring over, what time is best?” is a direct approach that communicates you’ve anticipated a need, put in the effort and can drop by whenever convenient.
Things to avoid saying:
- Anything starting with “at least” (“At least you got to say goodbye”)
- Comparing their loss with a loss you suffered (“I know just how you feel”)
- Bright-siding the experience (“She’s in a better place now”)
- Side-stepping (“This too shall pass”)
While you might eventually share things that helped you through a period of grief, don’t immediately change the subject to your own experiences or draw comparisons. Don’t say anything that minimizes the loss or tries to bypass grief.
Focus on the grieving person and their loved one. Ask questions about happier times, and what they loved most about the person. If you knew the deceased, share a favorite memory of them. That small anecdote might be a warm new discovery to the person grieving them.
Try not to force another person’s experience through your own belief filter. Statements like “He’s with the angels now,” or “Her spirit is looking down on you” are meant well, but unless spoken by the family’s spiritual leader they can hit the wrong note. Even within the same community or family, people differ widely on how they interpret the tenets of any faith. The only way to find out someone’s personal religious beliefs and how they relate death is to ask them, then follow their lead.
When in doubt, keep it simple and honest. Tell them you know this is difficult and you are sorry for their loss. Tell them you love them. Tell them you are thinking about them, and they can call you if they want to talk.










