How do you assist a loved one as they prepare for death?

Helping a spouse, parent or other important person in your life prepare for their final journey can be an enormous task. First, understand that what you are doing is important and is worth doing. It will require emotional strength, patience and knowledge.
You are already carrying the weight of your own impending grief as you try to help your loved one with practical needs and provide them with guidance and support. Make sure you, too, have the emotional support and outlets you need for your own safety and peace. If you become overwhelmed, ask for help. Your loved one may not have the capacity to emotionally engage with you the way they once did, or thank you for all you are doing.
We will all pass away someday, but those with a terminal diagnosis have a defined timeline. Your loved one might be in a hospital or at home with hospice care. They are likely anxious about getting their affairs in order, as the saying goes. This has become a complicated endeavor, one that sometimes requires help from family, friends and professionals.
Supporting your loved one means balancing practical help and emotional needs, and what that looks like will differ from person to person.
Being present for your loved one emotionally means, simply, being there and listening. Take cues from their level of comfort. If they want to discuss their fears or beliefs about dying, follow their lead. Don’t try to “fix” anything, impose your own belief structure or change the subject. Taking an overly positive stance, like insisting they might have a miraculous recovery, can seem insensitive to someone who has made peace with their timeline.
Practical help, in the form of chores and organizing, can take stress off your loved one. See if your loved one needs assistance with everyday tasks:
- Preparing meals
- Coordinating appointments
- Providing transportation
- Household chores
- Organizing medications
- Assisting with communication among family and friends
If you are the next of kin or have been named with the power of attorney, you will need to attend to legal documents. This can include a will, an advance directive, insurance information and other matters. Many of these require assistance from an attorney or a notary to be recognized as official. If your loved one does not have a family attorney, set up a consultation with one in order to answer your questions. Resolving any outstanding issues now, while your loved one can clarify their wishes, will save you from investing a far greater amount of time (and legal fees) after they have passed away.
Many people have strong feelings regarding the disposition of their remains, so they may tell you quite firmly, and repeatedly, that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, have their ashes scattered in a particular place, or have their body donated to science. Find out if your loved one has pre-purchased any funeral arrangements, and, if so, make sure that paperwork is accessible. If they have not, it may give them comfort to know you have looked into options and will ensure their wishes are followed. La Paloma offers burial and cremation packages, including help with scattering, and we can also assist with body donation. All packages include La Paloma Aftercare, which helps families navigate the many final tasks that follow a funeral service — claiming benefits, making notifications, settling an estate and protecting against fraud.
If your loved one has a “bucket list” of experiences or destinations, see what is still possible for them. If someone loves to travel and still has some mobility, a cruise or day trip can be a welcome adventure. Participating in things like hobbies and sports can also be adjusted depending on needs. Many senior centers offer opportunities for adaptive activities, and sometimes just being around a familiar, cherished environment (such as a pool, a library, a movie theater, a farm, etc.) can be a positive experience.
Looking through old photos and creating a memory book can be a wonderful exercise for anyone, regardless of mobility. Writing letters or recording messages for family members or friends is another meaningful way to preserve connections.
While your loved one is able to communicate, one of the most helpful questions is “What would make you feel supported right now?” They know their needs best, and those needs might change from day to day. Your ability to meet those needs will depend on your emotional and physical battery, so don’t forget to recharge. And try not to feel guilty if you cannot do absolutely everything — you are only human.






